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Bar Jokes
Every bartender has heard a thousand "walks into a bar" jokes, but somehow they never get old. Being a bartender, I've noticed something: these jokes get passed down from generation to generation, the same way "why did the chicken cross the road" gets handed to every kid before they even understand why it's funny. Someone turns 21 every single day, and somewhere, someone's about to hear the grasshopper joke for the very first time.
Here you'll find a mix of the best bar jokes, funny bartender jokes, classic drinking jokes, and a fair number of wine jokes for good measure—plus a few of the best bar one-liners you'll want to actually remember for next time.
Classic “Walks Into a Bar” Jokes
The timeless setup: somebody walks into a bar, and the bartender is already prepared with a comeback.
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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We have a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “Really, you’ve got a drink named Steve?” -
A guy walks into a bar and says, “Ouch!”
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “Hey, guys, the high balls are on me!”
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Two five-dollar bills walk into a bar and the bartender tells them that this is a singles bar.
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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer, then says, “Put it on my bill.”
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Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
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A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer and a mop.”
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A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
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A mushroom walks into a bar and buys drinks for everyone. Eventually, someone leans over and says to the mushroom, “You’re a fungi to have around.”
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A blonde carrying a ladder walks into a bar and the bartender asks her why she brought a ladder. The blonde says, “Because I heard that the drinks were on the house.”
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A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?”
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Four fonts walk into a bar and the barman says, “Get out! We don’t want your type in here!”
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A pony walks into a bar and, in a soft and raspy voice, says to the bartender, “Gimme a beer.”
The bartender says, “Sure, buddy, sounds like you got a cough.”
The pony replies, “No, I’m just a little hoarse.” -
A willow tree walks into a bar. A guy sitting at the bar asks the bartender, “Who’s the new guy?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know, but I’ve heard he’s shady!” -
A man walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t be starting anything!”
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer, please, and one for the road.”
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A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces, “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”
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A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”
The seal says, “Anything but a Canadian Club.” -
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, “Does your dog bite?”
The lady answers, “Never!”
The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
The man says, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!”
The woman replies, “He doesn’t. This isn’t my dog.” -
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a… beer.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
The bear says, “I was born with them.” -
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel. -
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
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A Roman walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martinus.”
The bartender says, “Don’t you mean a Martini?”
The Roman says, “If I wanted more than one, I would have asked.” -
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
The bartender asks, “What’s with the steering wheel?”
The man says, “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts.” -
A giraffe walks into a bar. After several drinks, it passes out on the floor.
The bartender says, “You can’t leave that lying there.”
The man says, “That’s not a lion. That’s a giraffe.”
Beer & Pub Jokes
For beer drinkers, pub regulars, and anyone who believes the next round deserves a punchline. -
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. As the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each pint. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, shakes him, and yells, “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”
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After the Great Britain Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decide to go out for a beer. The Corona president orders a Corona. The Budweiser president orders a Budweiser. The Coors president orders a Coors. The Guinness president says, “Give me a Coke.”
The other brewery presidents ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”
He replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.” -
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers, so I’ll give five hundred American dollars to anybody in here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.” No one takes up the offer, and one man leaves. Thirty minutes later, he returns and asks if the bet is still good. The bartender lines up ten pints, and the Irishman drinks them all back-to-back. The Texan pays him and asks, “Where did you go for those thirty minutes?”
The Irishman says, “I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
Wine Jokes
Wine humor, fermented for your enjoyment—from grape expectations to full-bodied punchlines. -
What’s it called when you get a really bad wine hangover? The grape depression.
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How does a wine connoisseur decide what to drink? On a case-by-case basis.
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How does a wine drinker hear about the next best brand? Through the grapevine.
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How did Betty get so drunk at the party? She kept saying, “Wine not.”
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Why was the raisin sad? She never got to achieve true grapeness by becoming wine.
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How do you perform wine first aid? Open the bottle. If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Bartender & Bar Banter
A bartender’s best tools are a shaker, a good ear, and a line ready for every customer.
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A string walks into a bar and says, “I’ll take a drink.”
The bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here.”
The string says, “That’s discrimination!” The string walks into the bathroom, ties itself into a knot, and messes up its end. It returns to the bar and asks for a drink again.
The bartender asks, “Aren’t you that string I just refused to serve?”
The string says, “No, I’m a frayed knot.” -
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later, the voice says, “That’s a nice shirt.”
The man asks the bartender, “Who is talking to me?”
The bartender says, “Oh, those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary! -
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar. -
I asked the bartender for something light. He turned on the neon sign.
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A customer asks the bartender for a drink that will help him make better decisions. The bartender gives him water.
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A customer asks for a surprise drink. The bartender hands him the check.
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I asked the bartender for something strong and bitter. He handed me his divorce papers.
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The bartender asked whether I wanted my whiskey neat. I said, “No—messy, like my life.”
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Why do bartenders make terrible teachers? They are always giving students shots.
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Why do bartenders make good detectives? They know when someone is mixing stories.
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A bartender’s favorite exercise is gin-nastics.
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A bartender told me I needed to pace myself. I ordered a double and asked him to keep up.
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Drinking & Bar One-Liners
Quick jokes for the barstool, the cocktail napkin, or the moment just before last call. -
What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About five beers.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.
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A really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at sixty and exclaims, “I can’t believe I lost a hundred pounds!”
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Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
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What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
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A doctor tells a man that the best thing to do is give up drinking and smoking, get up early every morning, and go to bed early every night.
The patient pauses and asks, “What’s the second-best thing to do?” -
Two young Irishmen are preparing for a camping trip. The first says, “I’m taking a gallon of whiskey in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?”
The second says, “Two rattlesnakes!” -
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. “I’m Jesus Christ,” he says.
The first priest says, “No, son, you’re not.” The second says the same.
The drunk says, “I can prove it.” He walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes one look at him and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again!” -
A man walks out of a bar and meets a policeman. The policeman says, “Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking Bloody Marys?”
The man says, “Well, your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?” -
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
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An optimist says the glass is half full. A pessimist says it is half empty. A bartender says, “You’re both wrong—it needs ice.”
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A philosopher walks into a bar and asks for something deep. The bartender says, “Try the well drinks.”
Martini & Cocktail Jokes
Classics served in a stemmed glass, with olives, twists, and just enough trouble. -
A businessman walks into a bar and orders a Martini. After finishing it, he peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another Martini. He does this several times. The bartender finally asks why he keeps looking inside his shirt.
The man says, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.” -
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar is full, he starts to leave. The bartender asks what that was about.
The Irishman says, “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.” -
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martini.”
The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?” -
A man walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the finest single-malt Scotch. The bartender sets them up. The man takes the first shot and pours it on the floor. He takes the last shot and pours it on the floor, too. The bartender asks why.
The man says, “The first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!” -
A man walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of tequila. As he slams down the tenth, the bartender says, “I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast.”
The man says, “You would if you had what I have.”
The bartender asks, “What is it you have?”
The man says, “Fifty cents.”
Smart Bar Jokes
A little science, music, philosophy, and typography—proof that bar humor can have an education. -
A, C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”
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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets it down and says, “For you, no charge.”
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A photon walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, “That will be $8.”
The photon says, “I thought you said there was no charge.” -
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve noble gases here.”
Helium does not react. -
An electron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a drink?”
The bartender says, “For you, it’s on the house.”
The electron says, “That’s shocking.” -
A proton and a neutron walk into a bar. The proton says, “Two beers.”
The bartender says, “That will be $10.”
The proton says, “But I thought the neutron was free.”