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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We have a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “Really, you’ve got a
drink named Steve?”
A guy walks into a bar and says, “Ouch!”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “Hey, guys, the high balls are on me!”
Two five-dollar bills walk into a bar and the bartender tells them that this is a singles bar.
A duck walks in a bar and orders a beer then says put it on my bill.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer and a mop.”
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
What’s it called when you get a really bad wine hangover? The grape depression.
A string: “I’ll take a drink.”
Bartender: “We don’t serve strings here.”
A string: “That’s discrimination!”
The string then walks into the bathroom and ties himself into a knot and messes up his end. He walks to the bartender and asks for a drink again.
Bartender: “Aren’t you that string I just refused to serve?”
String: “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables and the bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t be starting anything!”
A mushroom walks into a bar and buys drinks for everyone. Eventually, someone leans over and says to the mushroom, “You’re a fungi (fun guy) to have around.”
An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman walk into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, shakes him, and yells: “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”
A blonde carrying a ladder walks into a bar and the bartender asks her why she brought a ladder. The blonde says, “Because I heard that the drinks were on the house.”
A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?”
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, then hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, this time saying, “That’s a nice shirt.” The guy asks the bartender, “Who is talking to him?” The bartender says, “Oh, those are the peanuts, they’re complimentary!”
Four fonts walk into a bar and the barman says: “Get out! We don’t want your type in here!”
A, C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”
The Dalai Lama walks into a bar and halfway through his drink the bartender asks, “How is everything?”
A pony walks into a bar and in a soft and raspy voice says to the bartender, “Gimme a beer.” The bartender says, “Sure, buddy, sounds like you got a cough.” The pony replies, “No, I’m just a little hoarse.”
A willow tree walks into a bar and a guy sitting at the bar asks the bartender, “Who’s the new guy?” The bartender says, “I don’t know, but I’ve heard he’s shady!”
What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About five beers.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.
Three hard-of-hearing old ladies are walking down the street.
First lady: “Whew, it’s windy today!”
Second lady: “No, today’s Thursday.”
Third lady: “So am I! Let’s go to a bar!”
A really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at sixty and exclaims, “I can’t believe I lost a hundred pounds!”
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
How does a wine connoisseur decide what to drink? On a case by case basis.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish Funeral? One less drunk.
A doctor tells a man that the best thing to do is to give up drinking and smoking, get up early every morning, and go to bed early every night. The patient pauses and then asks, “What’s the second best thing to do?”
Two young Irishmen were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said, “I’m taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?” The other one said, “Two rattlesnakes!”
How does a wine drinker hear about the next best brand? Through the grapevine.
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, “I’m Jesus Christ.” The first priest says, “No, son, you’re not.” So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk says, “Look, I can prove it.” He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again!”
A man walks out of a bar and meets a policeman. “Hey,” the policeman says, “your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking Bloody Marys?” “Well,” the man says, “your eyes are glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
How did Betty get so drunk at the party? She kept saying “wine not.”
After the Great Britain Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hola, Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me the King of Beers, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” The Guinness president replies, “Well if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”
A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the finest single malt Scotch. The bartender sets him up and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot and does the same. The bartender asks, “Why did you do that?” And the guy replies, “Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets down the beer, then says, “For you, no charge!”
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer, please, and one for the road.”
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, “Does your dog bite?” The lady answers, “Never!” The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” The woman replies, “He doesn’t, this isn’t my dog.”
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces, “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”
A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The seal says, “Anything but a Canadian Club.”
A man walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of tequila from the bartender. As he slams down the tenth one, the bartender says, “I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast.” “You would if you had what I have,” the man says, throwing back number eleven. “Well, what is it you have?” The man throws back his last shot and says, “Fifty cents.”
Why was the raisin sad? She never got to achieve true grapeness by becoming wine.
A businessman walks into a bar and orders a Martini. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders another Martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another Martini.
The bartender finally asks the man why he keeps looking inside his shirt before ordering a Martini. The man says: “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”
An Irishman walked into a bar and ordered Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives, the Irishman started to leave. The bartender asked him what that was all about and he said, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers and says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers, so I’ll give five hundred American dollars to anybody in here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.
One man even leaves, then thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder and asks if his bet is still good. The Texan says, “Yes” and asks the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness.
Immediately, the Irishman tears into all ten of the pint glasses, drinking them back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the five hundred dollars and asks, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martini.” The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”