Bartender & Bar Banter

A bartender’s best tools are a shaker, a good ear, and a line ready for every customer.

• A string walks into a bar and says, “I’ll take a drink.”
  The bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here.”
  The string says, “That’s discrimination!” The string walks into the bathroom, ties itself into a knot, and messes up its end. It returns to the bar and asks for a drink again.
  The bartender asks, “Aren’t you that string I just refused to serve?”
  The string says, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

• A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later, the voice says, “That’s a nice shirt.”
  The man asks the bartender, “Who is talking to me?”
  The bartender says, “Oh, those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!

• A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here.”
  A time traveler walks into a bar.

• I asked the bartender for something light. He turned on the neon sign.

• A customer asks the bartender for a drink that will help him make better decisions. The bartender gives him water.

• A customer asks for a surprise drink. The bartender hands him the check.

• I asked the bartender for something strong and bitter. He handed me his divorce papers.

• The bartender asked whether I wanted my whiskey neat. I said, “No—messy, like my life.”

• Why do bartenders make terrible teachers? They are always giving students shots.

• Why do bartenders make good detectives? They know when someone is mixing stories.

• A bartender’s favorite exercise is gin-nastics.

• A bartender told me I needed to pace myself. I ordered a double and asked him to keep up.
  
   

• Drinking & Bar One-Liners
  Quick jokes for the barstool, the cocktail napkin, or the moment just before last call.

• What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About five beers.

• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

• What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.

• A really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at sixty and exclaims, “I can’t believe I lost a hundred pounds!”

• Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

• What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

• A doctor tells a man that the best thing to do is give up drinking and smoking, get up early every morning, and go to bed early every night.
  The patient pauses and asks, “What’s the second-best thing to do?”

• Two young Irishmen are preparing for a camping trip. The first says, “I’m taking a gallon of whiskey in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?”
  The second says, “Two rattlesnakes!”

• A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. “I’m Jesus Christ,” he says.
  The first priest says, “No, son, you’re not.” The second says the same.
  The drunk says, “I can prove it.” He walks back into the bar with the priests.
  The bartender takes one look at him and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again!”

• A man walks out of a bar and meets a policeman. The policeman says, “Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking Bloody Marys?”
  The man says, “Well, your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

• The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

• An optimist says the glass is half full. A pessimist says it is half empty. A bartender says, “You’re both wrong—it needs ice.”

• A philosopher walks into a bar and asks for something deep. The bartender says, “Try the well drinks.”
  
  
  Martini & Cocktail Jokes
  Classics served in a stemmed glass, with olives, twists, and just enough trouble.

• A businessman walks into a bar and orders a Martini. After finishing it, he peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another Martini. He does this several times. The bartender finally asks why he keeps looking inside his shirt.
  The man says, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

• An Irishman walks into a bar and orders Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar is full, he starts to leave. The bartender asks what that was about.
  The Irishman says, “My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

• Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martini.”
  The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

• A man walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the finest single-malt Scotch. The bartender sets them up. The man takes the first shot and pours it on the floor. He takes the last shot and pours it on the floor, too. The bartender asks why.
  The man says, “The first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”

• A man walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of tequila. As he slams down the tenth, the bartender says, “I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast.”
  The man says, “You would if you had what I have.”
  The bartender asks, “What is it you have?”
  The man says, “Fifty cents.”
  
  Smart Bar Jokes
  A little science, music, philosophy, and typography—proof that bar humor can have an education.

• A, C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”

• A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets it down and says, “For you, no charge.”

• A photon walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
  The bartender says, “That will be $8.”
  The photon says, “I thought you said there was no charge.”

• Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve noble gases here.”
  Helium does not react.

• An electron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a drink?”
  The bartender says, “For you, it’s on the house.”
  The electron says, “That’s shocking.”

• A proton and a neutron walk into a bar. The proton says, “Two beers.”
  The bartender says, “That will be $10.”
  The proton says, “But I thought the neutron was free.”